Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
